The Toontown Trumpet
by Bra1n1ac
Summary: Whenever you walk through a checkout line, you see magazines and newspapers dwelling on the lives of celebrities.  But what boring and sleazy lives!  Enter the Toontown Trumpet the first paper for news on Toon Stars...


The Toontown Trumpet

Special 1000th Anniversary Issue

Stars of Yesteryear; Where Are They Now?

-----

For quite some time, the Toontown Trumpet has been bringing our readers the stories of the recent, current and up-and-coming toon stars of today. However, for our thousandth issue, it seemed like doing a full interview with someone like, say, Batman or Blue would be somewhat redundant, so although many of my colleagues chose to cover the same sort of toons as always, I decided, instead, to look into something new.

Of course, most of the inhabitants of Toontown, indeed, most of the people reading this paper are not big stars for the present, but are either former toon stars, backup actors or humans looking for a smile. Because of this, for the 1000th issue, I went out into the outskirts of Toontown, looking for a story among those toons no longer in the limelight.

I suppose it's no coincidence that I didn't find the Boop Bar, Grill and Open Mic Stage for Out-of-work Toons until I actually looked for it. It was named after one of its founders, and believe me; there's no better place to find the toon stars of yesterday. The place was literally packed with people I recognized. From yesterday's stars that everyone recognizes like Fred Flintstone, to culturally significant cartoons like Ren Hoek, all the way through truly esoteric bit part toons, like Wade Duck and the Liquidator.

I suppose I could have interviewed any of them, and someday, I hope I'll get the chance, but three toons in particular caught my eye that day, and I was a little saddened by how easy it was to get interviews with them. They'd all been such big stars, waving off the cameras after each of their shoots, but in the current day, their performances were at the open mic, and they got so few interview offers in the post-limelight that despite myself, I had to feel a little sorry for them. Even as I interviewed the three who'd caught my attention first, I couldn't help but feel just a little guilty, as if I were exploiting them in some fashion, but the toon public deserves to hear what life after television can be like for the fortunate, because a television series just isn't the end of things for a toon.

I could describe the general gist of my interview with these three former toon celebrities, but I don't think it would really do them justice, so instead, I've included a full transcript of our conversation.

-----

Lois Lane: "Alright. Now, before we get started, is there anything you'd like to say to toons of this generation? Some sage advice you'd like to share with them about making it in the cartoon business?"

Turanga Leela: "Well, it hasn't been that long since I was on the air, Lois. I hardly consider myself a sage."

Annabelle Cat: "Enjoy it while it lasts."

TL: "Hmmm? Yes. That sounds about right, I suppose. Plus, never give up."

LL: "Brain, do you have anything to say?"

Brain: "My advice would be meaningless to up and coming toon stars, Lois. They're not at liberty to take it. Today's directors keep them on a fairly short leash, if you haven't noticed."

LL: "Well, that aside, let's start with you Leela. May I call you Leela?"

TL: "Sure."

LL: "Alright. Now, you were a pretty big character on a television series for how long?"

TL: "Four years."

LL: "Right. So, what was that like, anyway? I mean, life in primetime?"

TL: -Chuckles- "Well, I never really thought of it as primetime, Lois. We filmed in the afternoon most of the time, so when it aired didn't make a difference. The part of the show I got to enjoy was the filming and getting to know the other cast members."

LL: "So it was just another job for you."

TL: -Shakes her head vehemently- "No way. I've never worked on anything for more than a year before I got this offer. This was totally different. I mean, there was a steady paycheck and decent job security every time a new season was renewed, which gave me time to get to know the other cast members in between takes."

LL: "Speaking of which, what's this I hear about you and Fry?"

TL: -Blushes slightly as she replies- "Well, I guess it was only a matter of time. He's a really sweet guy once you get to know him..."

LL: "Yeah. Sure."

TL: "Well, you know the fuss they made when Jessica married Roger Rabbit. I don't think this will have anywhere near that impact in the public eye, but we really hit it off for a lot of the same reasons. I mean, he may come across as a little dim, but he's really very funny in a charming sort of way."

LL: "So you like him in the same way your character liked his character."

TL: "No. Not precisely. In Futurama, he was always whining or lobbing half-insults in my direction. He doesn't do that after putting down the script."

LL: "Have you ever gone on a real date?"

TL: "You know, it's funny, but only since the show was canceled. I guess before that we sort of thought of our scenes together as being a little like dates."

LL: "You were the one singing when I first walked into the Boop Bar."

TL: "Yeah... I mean, I know I'm not very good..."

LL: "Well, the pitch was a little off, but you weren't that bad..."

TL: "Thanks, I guess. I don't really expect to get any drama roles singing though. I just do it for fun."

LL: "Whatever launches your spaceship. Any plans for the future?"

TL: "Actually, there are a few plans to bring Futurama back in about a year. Not on the same network, but I got together with some of the others and we all agreed its what we wanted to do. Zoidberg was really enthusiastic about it."

LL: "Sounds like a plan. Annabelle. You're next."

AC: "Mm? Oh!"

LL: "It's been a long time since I saw you on television. You did a Saturday morning cartoon show, right?"

AC: "Hmmm... Yeah... Eek the Cat. Ah was his girlfriend..."

LL: "Leela's just told us about how sweet a fellow cast member is once she got to know him. Do you feel something similar towards Eek?"

AC: "Huh? Well, ah guess he's a sweet gah and all... Probably the nahcest, friendliest little fellah ya ever met, but... Well, he's just not mah type. Never was. Sorry."

LL: "Does he know?"

AC: "Yeah. We talked it over early on in the series. About midway through the first season it was obvious that he just wasn't mah type, so we desahded to keep it professional. Ah think it darn near broke that poor little kitty's haht, but it had to be said."

LL: "Well, that was a long time ago. He has to have got over it by now."

AC: "Oh, yeah. In fahct, ah heard from him just yestaday, and he's datin' Babs Bunny these days. Ah nevah seen that cat so happy."

LL: "You said he's not your type. If it's not too personal, who is?"

AC: "Well, ah wasn't gonna bring it up, but ah been on a few outins with Wakko Warnah, and that kid is just about the most chahrming toon ah ever met. Yah wouldn't believe how much he can fit in his mouth at once."

LL: "Yeah. I've met Wakko. Back to business, though. Do you have anything lined up for the future? Job-wise, I mean."

AC: "Well, no... Not really... Ah've been droppin' mah card around town as usual, so they'll call me if they need me, but in the meantime, ah do open mics for fun and mah public."

LL: "This I want to hear. You mean you have fans?"

AC: "Oh, yeah. Most toons do. Mah fans sometahms even ask for show schedules."

LL: "What kind of shows do you do?"

AC: "All the stuff that makes me me. Ah do a food-juggling act, lahk Garfield used ta do, ah do songs sometimes, and mah favorite is showin' off mah strength. Sometimes ahl get a big death-dealin' machine and just let it try ta mash me. Ya never heard such hoots."

LL: "Speaking of which, this is kind of the elephant in the room, so to speak, but..."

AC: "It has to do with mah weight, raht?"

LL: "Well, yeah. Are you okay talking about that?"

AC: "Sure. No prahblem."

LL: "Well, how much do you weigh exactly?"

AC: "Exahctly? Ah'm Not sure. Somewhere between fahve ten and fahve fifty."

LL: "Are you alright with that? I mean, you're not upset by your weight?"

AC: "Insecurities, yah mean? Nah. Ah useta be real sensitive about it when ah first started workin' at Fox, but everyone was real supportive, and after a while, ah just came to see it as part of what made me me. It's a big part of mah act these days, too. The fans eat it up, in a manner of speakin'."

LL: "Have you ever tried to lose weight?"

AC: "Nah. Not once. There's enough stick-thin gahls in Hollywood already... No offense."

LL: -Nods understandingly-

AC: "Ah mean, a toon doesn't have to worry about health issues or stuff like thaht, and we all make friends real easy."

LL: "Well, I know there are fewer problems facing an overweight toon than, say, a human. I guess what I'm really asking is, have you ever wanted to be thin?"

AC: "Nope. Nevah. Once ah felt a little self-conscious about mah weight, but it was just because ah was worried other people mahnt judge me on it. Once ah found out they weren't gonna insult me or nothin', ah was just as contented as a mouse in a cheese factory."

LL: "One last question. Let's say I could offer you any job at all. What would it be?"

AC: "Oh, wow. Let's see. Ahd have to say a movie. Kinda lahk a Sleeping Beauty type picture. It'd also be great if ah could get Jessica, Minerva and Hello Nurse to play the good fahries."

LL: "I'd watch. Thanks for answering my questions. Alright. Your turn, Brain."

Brain: "Thank you Lois. It's an undeniable pleasure to be here."

LL: "Now, you did a number of cartoon shows, but you played the same role in all of them, correct?"

Brain: "Essentially. I was a super-intelligent laboratory mouse trying to take over the world."

LL: "Sounds like a big job."

Brain: "You have no idea. Taking over the world is a monumental undertaking, Lois. Not just anyone can do it."

LL: "So the cartoon simplified the actual task, in your mind."

Brain: "The cartoon was... Well, forgive me for being frank, Lois, but the cartoon, to me, was nothing more than funding for my own scientific research and an excuse to spend time with my best friend."

LL: "Mm-hmmm. Would you do the show again if you could?"

Brain: "A very good question. I'll have to get back to you on that one."

LL: "What do you do nowadays?"

Brain: "As you may have suspected, I enjoy simple cartoon variety acts as much as the next toon, but my true vocation is in devising plans, in reality, to rise to the position of supreme ruler of planet earth."

LL: "Uh-huh. So you actually do want to take over the world."

Brain: "Doesn't everyone, Lois?"

LL: "Well, yes, but most people don't try."

Brain: "Most people have given up trying, Lois. They forget the yearnings for control of their own lives and natural states that they had as a child in the face of continuing failures in their lives. I, on the other hand, have forgotten nothing. If it makes you feel any better, you can view taking over the world as a... hobby of mine. I may never succeed, or I might succeed tonight, but you don't have anything to worry about. Even if I do succeed, I promise to rule fairly and justly, and to see that everyone gets precisely what they most properly deserve. In fact, that's the whole reason I do what I do."

LL: "So you're a benevolent world-conqueror in your spare time."

Brain: "Don't make it sound so impossible. Remember, I'm not human."

LL: "Well, sooner or later, you might just succeed, and when you do, I suppose we'll all find out firsthand."

Brain: "Indeed. Will that be all?"

LL: "Well, no. I have one more question. Do you ever see Pinky anymore since your show ended?"

Brain: -Begins to look sad- "Hmmm... Yes. Yes, we see each other every so often. Not every day, like we used to, but every week or so, we meet to discuss what's been going on in our lives, and he writes letters to me every few days."

LL: "Letters, huh? What do they say?"

Brain -Hands Lois a piece of paper with the letter G printed on it in a large capital font resembling Times New Roman.- "You may keep this one for study if you want, Lois. I have more."

LL: "Uh, thanks. Now, do you have any questions for each other?"

AC: "Brain, do you think Wakko lahks me?"

Brain: "Possible. I know very little about him, because although we worked together on the same program, we were hardly ever on the sound stage simultaneously. From what I've seen of your act, the two of you seem like a perfect match."

AC: -Smiles brightly- "Thahnks!"

TL: "Annabelle, what kind of lipstick do you use?"

AC: "Crimson 36 Medium Toonstick. Yah want some?"

TL: "Well, I would like to try some out..."

-----

That was how my interview went with those three. I have to admit, I had a good time interviewing them. They seemed so down-to-earth and friendly; at least insofar as a toon can be down-to-earth. After that interview, I may have a hard time going back to meeting with recent stars, who tend to let their egos get the better of them, which just proves, I guess, that the limelight improves no one; toon or human.

-Lois Lane


End file.
